Tomorrow is Baby Jack’s memorial. We have decided to host a very small BBQ with just our close family. I am not exactly sure why I wanted it this way, but it is what my heart is telling me to do. Go small and simple. Instead of planning a larger event to celebrate the life of my Son I wanted to have a few peaceful days at home with the people who spent the most time around him… I also wanted to have some days of peace to really just remember him and the day I had with him.
Oh the day I had with him. The most precious day that I would pay all of the money in my bank account to repeat over and over again. I would give anything to just see him, hold him, hug him, hear him breath.
Every night hands clasped tightly, eyes heavy, his ashes pressed against my heart. Every single night I fall asleep thinking about his face, his lips, his cheeks and in every passing moment I strive to hang on to the memory I have of my son Jack. In 12 days his due date will come and go! I am absolutely not looking forward to that day. Most Mama’s I talk to about infant loss tell me that is the most terrible day. It seems like each day it is becoming harder and harder to remember his eyes, nose and cheeks. I find myself staring at his photos more and more these days as I work to keep him fresh in my mind. It brings me so much pain to think that I could be beginning to forget my Son. One thing that does not leave my memory is the chilling cold touch of his life less lips touching mine. It was like ice… the most beautiful precious ice. I remember just rubbing my lips against his for head and singing to him. I watched my tears splash is porcaline face. I listened to my husband pace the room in tears as I sang “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star with gut wrenching pain in my heart.” I would stare at his lips wishing they were full of pink color rather than that terrible dark dark red.
“Mommy will never forget you. You are my star in the sky. I love you so so much.” I repeated for a solid 30 minutes straight as I knew my time with my baby was coming to an end. I knew in a matter of minutes the nurse would be back to take him away and that would be the very last moment I would have with that beautiful creature. I enjoyed 8 months of his life inside of me and all I got was 1 day with him in my arms. I will never forget those 48 hours as they were both the most painful hours of my life and the most beautiful hours of my life.
“I am so sorry, I cannot find a heart beat.” When I heard those words come out of the nurses lips that late night I came un raveled. I came un done. I think I might have felt my heart explode like a fire work into my chest. I felt the most disturbing type of pain run its way from my throat to my heart and down into my stomach. I laid back on the table and I howled. I laid back on the table and I screamed. I help Eric’s hands and I begged him “Please Eric pllleeeeaassee Nooo. Tell me this isn’t happening. My poor poor baby. My poor son!” Eric tells me today that the noises, the weeps, the cries and the moans that came from my body were something completely out of this world. He told me I sounded like an animal in horrific pain. He said that is officially the type of noise that only a Woman losing her child would make and he would never ever forget it. I don’t think I could forget it either.
I looked around in panic as I started to come out of the crying spells. I looked at the nurse and I realized I would have to deliver this baby. I realized that I would have to deliver a full term sized baby and give him right back to the earth. There would be no months and day so cuddles, nursing, laughter and life. There would only be sadness after the pain. Lets all just be real here… child birth is painful. It is one of the most intense animalistic pains you will ever feel. I knew from my experience with Scarlett’s birth that I was in for one hell of a ride. Terror came over me. Sheer panic coursed through my veins. “Please just vie me a C- Section! Please just take him out of me. I don’t want to feel that pain for no reason. I don’t want to labor for nothing! This is horrible just fucking terrible!!”. I started to hyperventilate. I could not control my anger, my sadness or my panic. Finally I was given something for the anxiety. “Anita you are going to be induced. It is the best option for you and your future. I am so sorry that you have to go through this pain. We will do whatever possible to make this a painless experience.” I know that the nurses were doing their best to make me feel better. But there was nothing that they could say to take away the fact that I was going to give birth the next morning, to a deceased baby.
After it was decided that I would be induced I was wheeled into a different room with a large bed and a small couch for poor Eric. Oh poor poor Eric! He has had to sleep on those little beds to many times now! My Mother in law came through the door and I instantly felt a sense of peace. She hugged us and told us that everything was going to be okay. She has a really great way of making every one around her feel like everything is going to be okay! That’s Karen! She is a lady in charge and always makes sure she gets shit done! She came in the room and we felt like… Okay Karen is here… things are going to be okay. Thats when I was given the pills to be induced and I fell fast asleep. I remember holding my belly and rubbing Jack’s body. I remember tears flowing hard as I caressed the outline of his body under my skin. I remember willing him to come back to life. I remember begging him to wake up.
At 3 AM I woke up to contractions but they were mild. I opened my eyes and the pain and panic settled in as soon as my brain came to. I ran into the bathroom and I threw up. I sat on the bathroom floor and I sobbed. I begged him to come back to life. I begged him with every inch of my soul to come back to Mommy. I looked up at the ceiling and I cursed a God that I felt like I had left me. “Are you there dude? Did you just dip out on us? Why us? Why him? Why me? Why now?” I have to admit I said some pretty salty things to God that night… and sadly that night I felt like there was no God! Finally sleep over took my body and I crawled back into bed. As I was climbing back into my bed my new Nurse entered the room and started to take my vitals. She could see my suffering and she stood over me and rubbed my back and whispered something into my ears. I do not remember what she said, but it calmed my soul and put me back to sleep.
…. and then it was 9 AM