PROJECT SELF

This world is full of distractions. As a Wife, Mother, and Business Owner, it often seems next to impossible to fully take great care of myself. I often find that my health and my wellness comes last. I know what you are thinking… “she is a health and wellness Coach… shouldn’t it come first?!” Error! I put others before me all to often and I am willing to bet you are the same way. That is why I am putting together a 3 week self cleansing emersion group! We will start on September 5th and will focus 100% on cleaning out our systems, reseting out bodies, and getting back to the basics of our health. We will do daily light yoga virtually, we will focus on a 3 week total body cleanse, and we will work to improve our spirit through personal development!

 

PROJECT SELF

 

Reboot and Cleanse.

That is the power of the Ultimate Reset. It can literally change your life for the better, but what specifically is the Ultimate Reset and how does it help you down the road to wellness? The Ultimate Reset is a 21-day program that gently helps restore the body to its “factory settings” while maximizing energy production and nutrient retention. Ultimate Reset is a program designed to get the body in top shape internally, just as a fitness program gets the body in top shape externally. Anyone looking to restore energy, boost moods, and maximize health can dramatically improve the way they feel and function. The first week of the Ultimate Reset is phase one where you will reclaim your body, accessing its inner chemistry and preparing it for change. You’ll gradually remove foods such as red meat and dairy from your diet. With week two comes phase 2 where you begin to release unwanted compounds that have been holding your system back and start the detoxification process. This phase includes a gentle colon cleanse and digestive support. DON’T WORRY you won’t be running to the toilet. This is a gentle cleanse where you’ll be eating 3 meals a day + snacks. However, you’ll now be eating a fully vegan diet. Week three begins phase three where you’ll help restore your digestive system along with other internal processes to maximum efficiency, putting nutrients, enzymes, and pre-and probiotics back into your body. This is when you’ll start to really feel on top of the world and ready to yell from the roof tops how amazing you feel!

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Why Reset?

Even though the body is extremely resilient, our bodies have been pushed to the limit by pollution, pesticides, preservatives, and chemicals contained in nearly every item that makes up our modern world. These harmful items can disrupt the normal function of our bodies, which, in turn, can result in reduced energy, weight gain, and a weaker immune system.

With the Beachbody Ultimate Reset® you get these benefits:

  • Improved energy*
  • Better digestion and weight loss*
  • A more positive mood as you get healthier*

My Personal Journey! 

Many of you have followed me through many aspects of my life. Most recently the loss of my baby boy Jack. Over the last 5 years I have experienced some extreme highs and extreme lows which threw my body for a serious loop. Through really dialing in my nutrition, committing to moving my body daily, through peer support and through daily reading I have been able to ease the affects of Depression, anxiety, and OCD. My issues started with Post Partum Depression with my first born. I was tired, I was not sleeping, and my thoughts were getting the best of me. I found health and fitness and saw a major change in my mood and my ability to cope. As I grew stronger I began reading personal development and focusing even more on a really dialed in nutrition plan.

So now I am looking for you! I am looking for 10 other ladies who are serious about taking this challenge with me to getting back to health. Getting back to vitality!!!

 

Please take a peak into this incredible program!!! Watch this video now!!

So lets get started !!!

The first step is to get your challenge pack ordered by August 17th. We will then kick off our journey together on August 29th! On September 5th we will also add your names into drawing to be able to win some serious cash for participating in this challenge with me. Once you receive your challenge pack you will un wrap it and dive on in! You will need to take some time to really study the contents and make sure you are ready for August 29th! This is going to be a major lifestyle over haul so be certain this is the change that you are ready to make. Each day I will post yoga training videos that you can do from the comfort of your own home. Each day you will also receive daily affirmations and video broadcasts from personal development GURU’s who have changed my life and I know will change yours!

You can expect to lose weight, feel great, get a reset, sleep better, and have more energy …

 

So click the hyper link below to secure your spot. Please be sure to include Anita Miron as your Coach. Once you have set up your enrollment I will reach out with further instruction!! Lets get started!

 

Secure Your Spot Now: Order Your Challenge Pack

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Thank You.

“Your story gave me strength. I also lost a baby in late pregnancy and it gave me courage to read your posts.”
 
Each and every hour while at Team Beachbody Summit a Woman would approach me and share with me that she lost a baby. My heart broke each time someone shared. I feel all to sad that so many people share this journey with me. I am also thankful for the Women in the world who are not afraid to share, who are not afraid to approach me and tell me their story… because just like I gave them strength, they give me strength too.
 
Being a grieving Mother is a full time job. Each day I face a new challenge. Just when I think things are getting easier, something else hits me hard.
 
1. Sadness
2. Anger
3. Insomnia
4. Anxiety
5. Depression (yes totally different from sadness. If you have had Depression you know… its more like hopelessness).
6. Medication changes and trying new medications.
7. The grief of having to take said medications.
 
These challenges can seem so overwhelming and if I had to go through it alone, I am not sure how I would survive the pain. I loved that Baby with all of my heart and soul. When I lost him I felt a piece of me die. I know I still have my little girl to be strong for, but that does not take away the extreme love and loss of my second born. I am so thankful for each and every “Thank you” “Me too” “You gave me strength” “You are not alone”. Again I am sad and angry that so many Women have to deal with this, but it really gave me courage and hope to hear everyone’s story as I walked the streets of Nashville.
 
Admittedly I was terrified to go to Beachbody Summit. The last thing I wanted was sad eyes looking at me. The Last thing I wanted was “I am so sorry for your loss.” But I knew I needed to be there for my team. When I got there I was greeted with compassion, understanding, and Women who could relate. For that I am thankful. I met many Rainbow Babies which filled my heart with joy and gave me hope.
 
I am sorry that so many of us have to be a part of this club, but I am Thankful that I am not alone.
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Turning Pain Into Something Beautiful

I have been sharing my life on Facebook for over 4 years now. For 3.5 years I did a really good job of showing you all the high light real. I did a really good job of sharing with you all how I have created a life of success out of nothing. Granted, I did do that… my life has not always been unicorns and butterflies. I have shared some hard things with you all recently (Losing my son), but there is something else in my life that is equally as hard to talk about and to deal with and that is my Father. This weekend we drove 5.5 hours to visit my Father and my Grand Mother. Two weeks ago my Grand Father passed away. Every time i visit Vincennes Indiana my heart breaks. I actually spent 5 years avoiding that city so that a I didn’t have to face that hurt ever again. As I have grown more mature, I have realized I cannot run away anymore, I absolutely have to grow brave and face the reality. 

13817248_10210017804383143_1993960303_n.jpgWhen I was 6 years old my Father was diagnosed with a multitude of mental disorders. Schizophrenia, Depressive Delusional Disorder, and as a side affect Dementia. As a little girl I never quite understood what was going on with my Father. All I knew was Daddy slept a lot. I recall multiple visits to the VA clinic to see my Father hunched over and miserable. As the years progressed my Father was able to cope with his disorders and be there for me, but there came a time when he could no longer cope. He refused to take his medication because he believed he did not need them anymore. That is when things really took a turn for the worst. I was 11 years old when I first saw my Father come completely un done. I watched him sleep for weeks, I watched him stop taking care of himself, he stopped showering, he wet and pooped the bed. He started to write on the walls, and create frightening conspiracies.  He stopped washing his clothes, he started to talk to himself, and he stopped being in touch with reality. He gained massive amounts of weight, stopped smiling, and cried often. For a little girl to watch all of this was traumatic. 

This tore me apart. My Best Friend, My Dad, my Rock, my strength was taken from me in what seemed like over night. I was so scared and so heart broken. My parents were divorced when I was 8 years old and so I only saw my Father during the Summers. Every time I visited he just got worse and worse, and eventually I was no longer able to see my Father. We spoke on the phone here and there, but it got to be to painful. He began writing letters that made no sense, he began talking to me about things that just didn’t add up, and finally I made the decision to decrease how much I was interacting with my Father because he refused to be medicated. This was a tough decision that was made out of fear. I was terrified of him and I was also terrified that this could be my reality as well. 

It has been a year since I went to visit my Father. Friday we made the journey to Vincennes. I was terrified. I knew that I would hurt seeing him, I knew that I would need to go through pain upon visiting him. I have dealt with Depression and anxiety off and on for about 7 years now and since losing Jack is has reared its ugly head. I was terrified to see my Father because I did not want my own Anxiety to increase. Watching my Father deteriorate over the years has been a major part of why I struggle with Depression and Anxiety and selfishly I wanted to protect myself from getting worse. 

Has my Father’s condition improved? No, in fact it has only gotten worse. He weights 400 LBS, can barely walk, has black feet and legs, he can barely breath due to smoking two packs a day, and has heart disease.  Every time I see him or talk to him it seems as though he is deteriorating. Is there a happy ending to this story? Yes… it may not seem like it but check this out… 

My father has Faith. He believes in Jesus and loves Jesus very much. Through all of my Fathers pain and suffering he was able to tell me this weekend that the only thing that has kept him alive has been the promises from Jesus. The only thing that has kept him alive is LOVE from God. I could not believe my ears. I have recently been through some seriously painful stuff, but nothing compared to my Father. I struggled so heavily with Faith because I just couldn’t understand why God would want me to struggle… but my Dad… he has Faith, Love and Peace from Jesus. How incredible is that? I am not proclaiming to be the strongest Christian, or have a ton of Faith… but I just found it so inspiring that my Father finds strength in a higher power. Even with all of the pain from heart disease, hypoglycemia, diabetes and dementia… he has found a way to look forward to every day. Because Jesus died on the cross and promised eternal life and salvation my Father pulls through each day. Because God sacrificed his only son to show us that we will eventually be without pain and suffering my Father has strength in the every day. 

The other part of the Happy Ending, I finally got my Father to agree to transfer to a Nursing Home in Michigan so that we could be closer to him and help him through his care and just be there for him. I want so badly to make up for the lost years. The years where I was not strong enough to be a part of his life. My fear kept me away. I won’t let that happen again. I found strength this weekend to be with my Father, and I have to believe that strength came from God. I have to believe the prayers I did this weekend carried me through. I am 30 years old now. I am no longer that scared 18 year old who didn’t know what to do in the face of adversity and pain. I am a Woman who can do hard things. I came away from seeing my Dad without deep sadness and fear but rather I came away with hope. I have hope that we can make up for the lost time and finally have a relationship again, as much as his mental health will allow. 

One Day at A Time

Workout complete, and today it was especially more challenging than usual.
 
Through my experience with previous bouts of Depression and Anxiety I have learned that the key is to fake it until you make it. It sounds impossible, and it sounds really challenging because it almost is. When I go through something like this I make a plan for myself. I make sure my next day is planned. I sit down with my computer and I map out my day. When going through depression none of that sounds appealing, especially the things that you have planned our for your day, but you must do it anyway. It beats the heck out of laying in your bed and hiding.
 
Getting around other people as much as you can, working out, starting a new project, plugging into support, plugging into as much work as you can will carry you through until the clouds part. It may take days, it may take months, it may take years, but trust your Doctors as they make the proper adjustments for you in your medication, and while that is happening FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.
 
Depression is real. Anxiety is real. It is a real chemical inbalance of the brain. It is a real disorder and millions of people suffer from it daily. Those who are not educated, those who do not understand that they are dealing with a disorder fall into a danger zone. That is why I try to speak out about Depression as much as I can. It helps me to cope and if I can help someone else it brings me some hope.
 
So if you are dealing with Depression or anxiety take it one day at a time, take it one breath at a time. Talk to you Doctor about medications for the short term or even the long term, and sit down with someone who loves you and make a game plan for you day.
 
For me…
 
Read
Workout
Plant a garden
talk to a friend
work my business
Volunteer to work with teens with Down Syndrome (we are playing tennis together today )
Trust me, when in the throws of depression those things do not sound appealing. They in fact give you anxiety and sound over whelming, but oh well… you just need to throw yourself into it and do it. Don’t let it overwhelm you to much. If you need to take a break and just mellow out, that is fine to, but keep getting up and trying again and again. Set the example to others who are fighting this disorder every day.
 
If you are not someone who struggles with depression this is a great message to send to a friend in need.
 
You may not know it but someone very close to you could be struggling … be a friend. Show that you care. Show that you love them.13775567_10209981358312014_2437782565376061175_n

The Gift of Therapy

Today I gave my self the gift of therapy. I must admit, I am one of those Women who believe they have got it all under control. I am one of those Women who believe that they can do it all on their own. This weekend I decided that I needed help. The frustration, anger, sadness, and grief became to much. I felt like I was drowning in confusion, anxiety and ultimately depression. It got to be to much for me to handle on my own, and I am thankful that today I reached out for help. It has been nearly 2 months since I lost my son. I thought that through that time it would get easier. I assumed that grief was linear and that I would just gradually ease out of the pain.

I am learning that isn’t the case. I am learning that grief is a zig zag of lines. Grief is an absolute mess of emotions and experiences. I am no expert, but grief really sucks. I have been very quiet on my social media lately because I am really at a loss of what to say. I miss him so much, and I am so sad that I lost him, but my sadness has transferred its self to other aspects of my life. My over all out look on life has completely changed. Once I noticed that I was struggling to write, and I was struggling to find the joy in the simple things… I knew I was dealing with depression.

So here I am on this healing mission. Two steps forward, and 3 steps back… but one day I will make it.

Therapy was exactly what I needed today. I just needed to talk and I needed to cry, and I needed to be angry, and I needed someone to just say “you’re going to be okay. We are going to make sure you are okay.” I needed an advocate. For once I needed someone else to catch me and advocate for me.

If you are struggling with Depression or Anxiety please know that there are so many resources out there to help you get back to healthy again. There are so many people out there that will advocate for you and will help you heal. You just need to ask! Have the courage to just say HELP. You aren’t being weak… you are being brave. Asking for help is simply BRAVE. Depression does not mean you are giving up, depression means you are fighting one heck of a battle and you are a warrior.

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The Mom Guilt Files

“I am a Mommy who loves to play toys with her kid. I love to get down on the ground and play dollies and choo choo trains. I love to do crafts, and make up fun projects.”

NOOOOOT!!!!

How many times have you heard a Mommy say that and in your mind you feel guilt because you know that is not you. How many of you Mommies out there get down to play with dolls and your mind wonders in 100 different directions and all you can do it pretend that playing toys is your priority. I know have been ashamed of this fact about me for years now, but I am coming out to all of you and in search of other Mom’s who feel the same?

When I hear “Mommy please come play dolls with me.” My little Mom heart says “awe okay.” My busy working Mom heart who just wrapped up a day with work says “Oh but I could clean, oh but I could put away laundry, oh but I could take this call.”

Yes feeling like this totally stinks. I mean we all want to be that amazing Mommy who loves to play toys, and do crafts and spend all day raising their kids, but I have come to accept that just isn’t who I am. There are one off occasions where yes, I do feel excited and in love with the idea of playing play doh, but most of the time… nope! So I am on a mission to stop the distractions from life, stop feeling like there are better things to be doing, and focus on play time, even if I would rather pluck my eye brows. I am on a mission to savor these years and appreciate these sweet moments, because when she is 15 she wont be asking me for help. She wont be asking me to play and that is sort of heart breaking don’t ya think?

I would like to know, what do you do to get into the mood of being a toddler with your toddler. Scarlett is an only child, so when its play time, I know that it’s Mommies play time. No use being miserable or board.

NO I am not ashamed to admit this and I am opening the floor up for any closet “I would rather be’s” to come out and share! Where you at!?”160_MironFamilySession

Remembering Jack Pt 3.

BabyJack-0115bwHe should have been breathing. He looked so beautiful. I could not take my eyes off of him, only to wipe my tears away. As we sat there in silence together, Mother and Son I felt so much love and sadness all at once. I wanted to kiss his lips, and his cheeks but I was to afraid. His skin had already started to deteriorate off of his hands and his neck. We could tell that he had been deceased for at least a full day. His lips were a dark shade of purple. He was so delicate and so fragile. I was afraid I would break him when holding him. I studied his eyes and the shape of his head and could see in fact that he did have Trisomy 21. I could see that he did have Downs Syndrome. After a few more minutes of staring in shock at his beautiful face my Mid wife held up his umbilical cord to show me a “True Knot”. The knot was so tight you could have missed it. We believe this knot was the cause of his death. When I saw that Knot I was furious. What a tragic tragic thing to happen. What a horrific accident.

I looked around the room and everyone was silent and most of every had left. I gave him to Eric to hold on to and I watched my Husband’s heart break. It is a rarity to see Eric cry. When I did see his face covered in tears I knew this was taring him apart. He sat down on the couch next to his Mother and cried. “This isn’t fair. This isn’t right.”  In that moment Eric and I shared an un bearable pain. We were sad for Jack, but also sad for one another.

 

Stephanie our sweet Nurse put Jack in this adorable hat and suit. He just looked so handsome in it. I wish I had kept that suit!

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It was to much to handle. My brain could not wrap around the fact that this baby was gone. We were all gathered around a beautiful baby boy who was gone. The room should have been filled with love, filled with joy, filled with Laughter. I remember the day we welcomed Scarlett into the world. It was the happiest day of my life. It was day and night what we were experiencing. This was not joy at all. This was a cruel joke.

 

I remember dozing off. I was so out of it. I was so intoxicated with sadness and exhaustion from labor. I eventually passed out. When I woke up the nurses were trying to feed me and bring Jack back to the room. I was so tired from being upset and crying over him, I asked them to give me time. This decision is something I regret. Looking back I wish I had held on to him as long as I could. I wish I could have snuggled his body as long as I could, but I was tired, and there was only so much my heart could take. Holding your dead baby wipes you of everything you have inside of you. I was tired. I was sad. I was inconsolable. I wouldn’t eat, I wouldn’t drink much. I just laid there lifeless on the bed staring at the ceiling. Eric kept trying to get me to eat but that was impossible. I felt sick to my stomach. My Son was not alive to eat, so why should I eat?

My Family began to trickle in to say good bye. Everyone was headed home. I was afraid of this because I knew that I would have to be alone. I would have to be alone with my feelings and there would be no distraction. I started to feel anxiety and fear once they left. Fear of life, fear of my life, fear of the future. Once my Family had completely left my Nurse Stephanie came in to say her good byes as well. Her shift was over and she was headed home. Stephanie was with me for the entire delivery and never left my side. She took care of me and made sure I was bathed, and fed. She was there for me emotionally as well. Whenever I felt weak or scared she was right there talking me through it. If there are Angel’s … I think Stephanie might have been one. She was incredible. She hugged me and leaned in, looked me in the eyes and said “You are going to have more babies, you are going to be okay. You have that 4 year old to live for and to be strong for.” And she left the room. I told her Thank you over and over again. I was sad to see her leave. She was so attentive and loving. I hope our paths cross in another life. Perhaps she will be there for my rainbow baby!

The sadness came rushing in and out of my body throughout the evening. Eric and I ate dinner and we went to bed early. As we sat together in the hospital we had a few moments of laughter and a few smiles. I am not sure how it is possible but Eric and the nurses cheered me up and I was able to eat a decent meal before going to bed. We were in a very happy place (delivery floor of a hospital) experiencing a really terrible thing. Glimmers of hope showed up here and there.

The next day I awoke to those terrible emotions of heart ache and fear. I could not believe what I was experiencing was my reality. I could not believe that this was real life. I woke up Eric with my sobbing. I cried all morning. I screamed into my pillow and I held onto my belly willing my baby to return to my body. I did not want to hug on or snuggle his lifeless body anymore, I just wanted him back. For the 8 months he was in my body I fell in love with that boy. I anticipated his arrival day in and day out. My life revolved around his arrival. My world was Baby Jack. Every morning I would play handsy footsy with him. I would push my belly and he would kick back. I would giggle quietly in my bed and hug my belly thinking about the joy that he is going to bring to my life. This baby was my silent world. When no one was looking, he and I had out little moments together.

Every night before I would fall asleep I would sing “Twinkle Tinkle Little Star” to him. Every single night. I did this hoping that he would remember when he was born and would feel comforted by the sounds of the song. On this day I would sing to my boy for the very last time. We were told that it was time to go home and it was time to say our final Good byes to Jack. I fell apart and cried. I had to leave my baby in the hospital. I had to be removed from his body completely to never ever see him again. I would have to hold him one last time and know that for the rest of my life that was it. After we packed our bags Jack was brought to our room. The nurse said “Okay here he is. I know you will want to say your Good byes so I will leave the room.”

There are no words to describe the agony I felt when he lay in my arms. His lips were black. His face was so cold. I sat there and I stared at him for what seemed like an hour. I tried my hardest to memorize every single inch of his face. I tried my hardest to remember the exact color of his hair, the length of his fingers, the size of his toes. I brushed my lips against his for head and tried to memorize what that ice cold feeling felt like. And then I sang. I sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to him and hugged him as tight as I could. My tears splashed his face and my voice was muffled by the hard lump in my throat. I rocked him back and forth and told him that Mommy will always love him. I promised him that I would never forget our time together. I promised him that I have always loved him. I told him how sorry I was that Mommy could not save him. I told him that I was sorry that Mommy could not bring him back to life. And that was it. The nurse came in and he was taken away. My last words were “I am so so sorry.”

 

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My final moment with Jack.

Here we are 6 weeks later and I dream of that final moment with Jack. I imagine living in that moment forever. I long to feel that cold skin on my lips. I’d love to be able to tell him in person that I love him so much. It pains me so much to know that I will never see him again in this life. I want so badly to believe that I will see him in another life, but I struggle to have any Faith in these days. Everyone says to me “Oh you will see him again.” “Oh God had different plans for him.” I struggle to believe that. I want to believe that, but its not in me. There was a time in my life that I truly believed in Heaven, and an after life, but that believe has left my body. There was a time that I believed God would always have my back as long as I prayed. That has become very hard to believe in these days.

I am in the healing process every single day. Some days are better than others! Today … today is a hard today. Tomorrow may be completely different. All I know is that I miss him, and writing about him helps me to feel what I felt for him on the day I got to hold him and that is priceless. So thank you for reading this and allowing me to heal out loud.

 

July 12th: Jack’s Due Date.

I am trying very hard to stay distracted, I am trying hard to stay strong, but tomorrow is going to be hard. Tomorrow is going to be one of the harder days of my life. I know a due date is just a prediction, but it was a date that was special to me. Any Mother can relate. This was the date I looked forward to for 9 months. Tomorrow is officially 40 weeks. Tomorrow is 9 months.

I think about my son every single day, and every single day leading up to this date I imagine what could have been if he had survived. What life would be like if I were to have had him. I should be bathing him, putting his to sleep, spending endless hours nursing him, singing him songs, telling him how much I love him, sharing precious moments with Eric and Scarlett surrounding this new member of our family.

I thought I would be very sad leading up to tomorrow, but rather I am angry. I feel like something very important has been stolen from me. It isn’t fair. Lately have not written much on my blog or my Facebook because I have really lacked the words to describe how I feel. There is a lot of confusion, anger and resentment.

Tomorrow I am going to allow myself to feel crazy, angry, sad, whatever I need to just get through the day. I have dreaded this day every day since Jack passed and here it is so quickly.

I miss you baby boy. Our time together was way to short. I will always love you and I will always remember you. You were and always will be my special angel.

‪#‎strongforjack‬
‪#‎strongforscarlett‬

TIE Represents Downs Syndrome Awareness.

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The day I found out Jack was to have Down Syndrome, I admit I was devastated. I felt terrified and I was not sure I could handle the task of being a Mother to a special needs child. My heart broke …. but then I dug into my research, then I started to meet other children with Downs Syndrome, and I realized… sure they have special needs but whats more pronounced is that they are JUST SPECIAL ingeneral. My heart would always flutter around these children. They have the ability to make you feel welcomed, loved, warm, and important. They have a gift most people do not have and that is blind compassion and warmth. I never once felt judgement or mis understanding around these children or adults.

I quickly fell in love with this community and I grew excited for my job as Jack’s Mommy. I felt like I was called to be his Mommy and I could not wait to welcome him into the world. I wanted to show other Mommies through my Social Media following that children with Downs Syndrome are wonderful and not something to be terrified about. Sadly most pregnancies with Downs Syndrome are in fact terminated due to fear of the unknown. I wanted to help other Mommies see that this did not have to happen.

Alas, I did not get that privilege. I did not get to become Jack’s Mommy. In 2 Days (JULY 12th) I was supposed to take on this new role and have this special child in my arms. My heart breaks when I think that I will never get to live that reality. Losing Jack does not take away that special place in my heart for Children with Downs Syndrome. To honor my son I do intend to become active in the Downs Syndrome community and give back in any way that I can.

Each year my Team Beachbody Team gets dressed up for one of our special events and gets a team photo together. This year we have well over 100 Coaches on the team coming to Summit in JULY. Being that it is Jack’s due month, I decided to ask my team to wear blue and yellow for our team photo for Downs Syndrome awareness! I am so so lucky because… THEY HAPILY AGREED!!!

I am so excited to get this photo and if you are a Coach coming to summit and want to participate in this photo please feel free to rock yellow and blue and come on down after the Saturday evening Celebration to help us represent Downs Syndrome Awareness!!!

 

#OFOTD

Feeling Fresh in the sunshine today!!!

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Top from: http://www.romwe.com/Grey-Knotted-Crop-T-Shirt-p-147840-cat-669.html

Skirt from: http://www.modcloth.com/shop/skirts/chesapeake-sorbet-skirt

Necklace and Bracelet: http://www.target.com/p/fashion-necklace-multi-colored/-/A-51044785

from target, but not exact. This one is similar though.

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Rings from: https://www.etsy.com/transaction/1157056240

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and

http://www.pandora.net/en-us/products/rings/180886cz

(leaf ring… so gorgous!)

Shoes from: Birkenstock.com

Remember Jack Pt 2.

My eyes were practically glued shut from dried tears. I could barely open them. A fleeting thought passed my mind “hmmmm perhaps I would never be able to open my eyes again? OMG what if it were possible for eyes to be glued shut by dried tears.” I started to rub my eyes open and reality set in. That silly fleeting thought disappeared into thin air and I was faced with the sickening feeling of the heavy weight of my deceased child in my belly, and my heavy heavy heart. Above all I was straight pissed off. I was so seething with anger I was seeing red. The feelings that coursed through my veins were wretched. I started to pound my pillow and punch the back of my bed. I just wanted to feel something in that moment other than the seething anger and loss. Finally Eric opened his eyes and looked totally startled by my aggression. He stood up and gently rubbed my back. He looked so lost. Half asleep and half angry too. The morning nurse walked in and started to sooth me and rub my back.

“I am so sorry Anita. No Woman should have to go through this. I am here. Just tell me what you need.” I could feel this Woman’s gentle soul and I could tell that she had done this before. I mean it is a completely awkward situation to be in. You are this stranger taking care of someone who went through something so personal and devastating. It is really hard to know how to act in that situation. She treated the situation like a professional. Like she was a professional baby loss nurse or something. She made me feel safe. As I laid there staring off into space as my anger started to clear the nurse suggested I take a shower, and just do something with myself. The contractions were becoming pretty heavy and growing closer and closer together. I looked at Eric in panic. “I think I am in labor!” This was at 10:00 AM. We walked to the shower and I pathetically washed myself. I sat on the bottom of the shower and I let the water wash over my body. I had no energy, and no will to stand up. Finally I willed myself back into bed and the pain started to really come. I had studied Hypnobabies (the birthing program) so fortunately I was able to really breath through the pain.

Soon my beautiful Family started to roll in like warriors coming to be by my side and fight through this battle with me. First my Mother in Law who looked very serious about making sure we got through this in one piece. Next, My sister in Law. I will never forget that hug she gave me. She walked in, put her arms around me and held me so tight. She looked at me and I knew what she was feeling and thinking. It is only a feeling two Mamas who love their babies more than anything could share in that experience and moment. She understood my pain, and I could tell she felt it with me. Next my amazing Doula and midwife arrived. I had the best support team ever right there, and in that tragic moment I felt loved and I felt safe. I thought through the entire experience “I wish this team was here with me to welcome a healthy ALIVE BABY. This is absolutely bitter sweet. More bitter than sweet.” I had the set up for my dream birth experience. It felt like a waste.

Between contractions I heard a very familiar and beautiful voice outside of my room. It was my Scarlett. My dear best friend had watched Scarlett the night before when we left for the hospital and brought her in. Scarlett looked terrified to see me. I remember watching her beautiful long legs hesitantly make their way into the room. “Mommy do you have ouchies? What’s the matter Mommy? Is my Mommy hurt?” I did not want her to be scared, I did not want her to be worried for Mommy, but I did want her to know what had happened. I wanted her to have a realistic idea and understanding that her brother did in fact die. We grappled and struggled with how we would tell her. Do we tell her her brother is sleeping forever? Do we tell her that he is flying around in the sky with angels? Eric and I are still figuring out our answers to her about life after death and how we want to raise her. We had no idea how to bring this news to our 4 year old. How would she understand?

I will never forget her sweet little face with tears rolling down her cheeks. “My Mommy has ouchies?” She kept asking as she rubbed my arms. I leaned over the bed to kiss her. “Yes sweet heart, Mommy has ouchies in her heart. Mommy is very very sad. Baby Jack is gone.” I didn’t know how else to tell her. I was so lost. I decided that after Jack was delivered we would show him to her and tell her that he was Dead. Would this be to much for a 4 year old? I thought it would bring her closure and to also help her to remember that she did have a brother at one point. I did not want to confuse her with such words as “gone” “asleep” “away.” This is an area I still struggle to explain to her to this day, but she does know that Baby Jack no longer lives.

As my family got settled into the waiting room I started to get settled back into labor. No one knew I was actually in labor!  I channelled my Hypnobabies practice and went way deep into myself. The pain was very mild. I was very quiet, and kept my eyes shut. Finally the nurses suggest that I get in the tub and relax. I stayed there with Eric for 45 minutes. He rubbed my back and trickled water over my belly. I opened my tear filled eyes and said to him “I wish this was different. I wish this was us welcoming our son into the world honey. I wish I could feel him move inside of me, and I wish this moment right here was a moment full of joy.” Eric looked at me with his tear filled eyes and nodded “This just isn’t fair. None of this is right. I am hurting for you and for our baby.” I went back into my breathing and Eric went back to comforting me.

We decided to get out of the bath and get ready for this baby to come out. Finally I stopped the tears and I got lazer focused on getting this job done. I just wanted it all to be over with. The nurses said it could take days. I was not interested in that happening. I wanted this done right then and there, and I could tell my body was ready. I looked up at my nurse and said “I don’t have to go through pain for this labor. I don’t want to. I am terrified, and just so sad. Please give me the epidural.” She quickly gave me Stay dal and told me the epidural was coming. Soon the hospital Chaplin entered the room. By this time the Stay dal had hit me hard and I was completely out of it. Eric reports that I asked her where her jack was from and giggled when she prayed. Not my finest hour or my most shining moment, but who can blame me!? At that very moment I was numbed to sadness and felt pure anger at the world and at God. She was just the messenger and I basically shot her with my giggles and my lack of care attitude. After she left the room got quiet again and I went back to work.

All of sudden I felt my contractions go from 5 to 10. I screamed “oh please where is that epidural!?!” The nurse checked me “Okay Anita there is not cervix left, we don’t have time for an epidural. I had no idea you were this far along.” I had gone from a 4 to a 10 in an hour. It was time!

Imagine the pains of active labor. Imagine the pains of losing your son. Imagine combining those two things together. I will never forget that hour of my life. I will never forget that sorrow. I screamed in pure emotional agony, and I screamed in physical pain. My Doula holding my arms whispering “you can do this Anita, you can do this.” My sister in law rubbing my shoulder encouraging me. My midwife preparing herself for the baby to arrive. Two pushes. Two agonizing forceful pushes. And he was here, and there I was… exhausted and empty. I looked through my legs to see his lifeless body lay there. I could see his blue back. He was the color blue. I could see the cord wrapped around his neck three times. “Anita, do you want to hold him.” I shook my head no out of fear. I laid back and I sobbed as Eric grabbed him…

and then the love poured in. “Okay please give him to me.” As his body was placed on my chest, the knife was pierced into my chest and then it was turned. I thought I knew pain before…

 

This… this was the absolute most painful moment of my life, and I believe if forever will be. 13588914_10209864044939253_1774116018_o

please stay tuned for part 3

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My 30 Day Fitness Progress

OH HECK YESSSSS! THE RESULTS ARE IN ! 30 DAYS BABY!

 

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30 days

 

 

I am very glad I snapped these photos of myself. The scale is not proof of progress! Photos and how your clothes fit YES! I have not dropped major lbs on the scale, but I can see a major change in my photos! This is 1.5 months post birth, and 1 month progress. I have followed The 21 Day Fix Extreme along with a few extra workouts throughout the week (walking the dogs, pilates and abs at night). I have followed the 21 Day Fix portions and replaced 1 meal a day with Shakeology!

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This is the plan I followed when I lost my first batch of baby weight 4 years ago, and it still works for me today!
The journey continues forward as I still have some baby weight to lose this summer. I am looking for people to hold me accountable and to go through this journey with me!!

 

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My next Summer Slim Down Challenge group will start in just 2 weeks! If you are on a mission like I am and would like the plan that I am using and would like to join me in my challenge group please fill out an application below!!

I am only taking 10 ladies so act fast!!!